Some Days I'm Just Tired

Some days it still takes me by surprise that I'm a mom. That God trusts me with these two little people. I mean, my husband at least came into this relationship knowing what he was getting into. And theoretically, he can leave if he wants. But these little people- they are so LITTLE. And trusting. And fragile in every sense. And they are so... very... DEPENDENT. It exhausts me to just think of it all some days.

And I'm already exhausted.

That's the catch. I keep setting these goals and I still, STILL think of myself as just myself. I know what it takes to motivate myself to work out and I totally have it in me to go that far. The problem is that I forget that I am not just myself anymore. Or more accurately, I am a new "myself". Not to get to philosophical here but the truth is that regardless of my strategies and my superstar co-parent-er, I am totally exhausted. I haven't had a day "off" in a very, very long time. It takes as much energy to get both little people to the Y child care as it does to run on the treadmill and as I do so I am watching the clock and worrying about nap time and lunch time and when will Mara want to nurse and what are we going to do this afternoon? I am sustaining myself AND my little girl with the calories I take in and burn off. I can't nap because the second I do I hear a baby crying even if it is only a motorcycle engine down the street.

And these are not complaints (ok, sort of) they are just my reality right now. I'm eventually going to have to embrace this reality and get used to it if I will ever be able to be ok with this new "me". All the planning in the world may still not help me get in a long run if Mara has a growth spurt and doesn't sleep or Oren gets an owie and needs comforting or heaven forbid either one gets really sick. They are the priority right now and sometimes I don't like that a lot. It means that I can't stick to the plan "no matter what". It means even when the spirit is willing I still have to put them first.

But our family is wonderful and I am the Mommy. And somehow this Mommy will become a Mommy Athlete and I will find room for all of it. This is merely a chapter and these goals will help me create space in my new "self" for parts of the old. This weekend I get to run my hundredth mile since giving birth. That seems like a small number and at the same time, HUGE.